Okay so because Adam and I are involved in the SCA we have a lot of friends that are medieval buffs/witches. Yes witches. Not Wiccans, that is a faith. This group does a lot with crystals, cleansing incense and fortune telling and whatnot. Just about everything short of giving you advice on how to raise a mandrake baby.

Anyway so there is a lot of talk about oras and spiritual elements and what are the reactions to all this stuff. I get it. If you are a intuitive person you do pick up on peoples energy/mood super quick. Its called empathy. It really is special only in the fact that modern living seems to steer you in the "fuck thy neighbor" then the aid them sort of attitude.

So I don't like the idea of spirits living in the house. I don't remember if I wrote about past hallucinations I used to suffer. Anyway the back upstairs room creeps me out to begin with. its all the way in the back, down a long narrow hall, has a odd shape and the back window frames the abandoned structured on the neighbors property. Fucking creepy. On top of you can't hear anything in the house from that room.The backroom has some story to it. I know that it was added afterwards to the initial house, because the way you get to the kitchen and to the back room is odd. The odd thing is that the foundation is full. I don't that people back then were that good at matching foundations so perfectly. So my guess is something happened to the original back end of the house. The unfortunate part of the room is that its the swing space room. The place in the house where things that do not have a home yet is being housed. The room where I have had to spend a lot time in. So I just cope with that creepy feeling inside of me and plow through any work I have to do there.

"So how do the witches and the creepy room connect?"you say. Well witch friend felt a presence in that room and got so scared that she came running to the downstairs to sit in the living room.

You see I don't like when my irrational feelings of fear are validated by others. I make my self crazy enough with out people telling me that its okay. That's how people get hurt don't they. You start out with one crazy person and then they get followers/ validators.

On top of that Adam is convinced that our friend, Josh, that tragically passed away. Has been hanging out in the house. First off, it ghost are really, I do not think they work like that.

Secondly, there is Chopper and Cyrus. For some reason Chopper, for what seems to be random times, gives out his alert call. This in turn spooks Cyrus and then they have a bird conversation on the next course of action. After about 2 minutes of this, they both decide that crisis is averted and all is well. Again, shit fucking creeps me out because I am sitting there looking around trying to figure out what bothered them in the first place.

I told Adam, he needs to cut that crap out because it scares me to no end. He tries to calm me by saying, "well the house is 110 years old. More likely then not something happened that would have caused a spirit to stay in the house." Again FUCKING STOP. Not the time to be telling me all this jazz when I am home alone during most of the holiday season.

Has anyone had the feeling about being right?

I get that all the time. I think now that I pretty much predicted my friend's death and another friend's unexpected pregnancy, now my circle is finally getting the point that there maybe some truth to what I am talking about.

Now I don't predict the future or anything like that. I think its from my upbringing of always being an outside observer and then going through the process of acceptance that has honed my ability to see a bad situation and get the hell away from it about 85% of the time. 

But you know what else I have noticed that normally when I say something is a bad idea everyone is insist to stay on a feel good train, call me an asshole and ride it right off the cliff I was trying to tell them about.

Well I have lost lots of friends from this habit of mine. I don't think I am going to stop though. Because it comes out that I am right and that feels great. But because I was right I hate being the asshole to say "I told you so." Its so bittersweet. Especially when the person was so insistant about their point being right that they broke off our friendship to prove their rightness and I was being asshole for not seeing their point.

So now I would like to be friends again but I know that I can't be mature enough about not doing a "I told you so" dance.  This will probably end up making me look like an asshole and mean spirited bitch. It probably end the frienship anyway because really no one likes to be told they are wrong.

Last Christmas Adam's Uncle, Ziggy, died. This left a 50 yr old home behind to the estate.

Ever since then Adam's family has been talking about us moving into this house and starting out the family there and all that. I personally didn't believe it because I was brought up in a family where a lot of people just talk a lot of shit and blow smoke up your ass. Really for a family that supposedly prides itself on its Buddhist beliefs, there is very little altruism that goes on.

For instance, my grandma was supposed to retire when I graduated college and then I moved into her apartment and she would move back to Puerto Rico. This was the plan for years then Grandma decided that she wanted both houses despite promising over and over again this apartment.  that all water under the bridge but its an example of what I am talking about.

So for a while Adam and I just occasionally drive by the house and look at it. Then one day we notice that there is suddenly a lot of work getting done on the home. This made me concerned because I was really hoping, Adam's family was different.

I was pleasantly surprised that my hopes were not unfounded. Adam called his 2nd cousin, Helen-Jean about the house and whats going on. She said that there house just really need a lot of work and really had very little equity, so she started upgrades. We went to look at the house and it was under construction. She told us it should be done in a month or two and if you want anything let me know like colors or whatnot since the guy is here anyhow.

She even offered us a rent to own option and basically said we will work something out so that you can live here.

I thought that was incredible. Honestly there has to be something to all this. i feel like when I go to my faith there are very few altruistic people present and a lot of selfishness and self serving going on. If I hadn't meet Adam, I doubt I would have ever experienced the amount  of kindness and love that I feel that is given unconditionally from his family.

So to tell you about the house its really a 2 bedroom, one bath house, but they finished out the attic. So it has another bedroom and a space that can be used for computers and all. Its a little house, well thats a bit of a lie. The basement is clear, the first floor is large enough but not huge that its a lot of crazy work to clean. It has a large one car garage and a screened in porch.  A nice little lawn.

Also the fact that the house is 50 years old but it hasn't moved since it was built. So all the plaster walls, floors, and door frames are perfectly square and the basement is perfectly dry and looks like it belongs to a younger house. They put a new 30 year roof on it and are redoing the siding. The house runs on oil, but before Ziggy died he put in a new tank in the house. 

With the sale of the apartment, I can afford to put new windows on the house. There is no ac but it doesn't really get hot here enough for it. Also the house is not big in diameter and designed back when there was no such thing as ac. So all the windows are places to create cross winds.



Like I said its a little house. This picture is just a screen capture from google that was taken back in 2007. right now the roof is getting redone and they pulled the siding off.

Adam, I and his parents are going to look over the house again and hear their thoughts. In all likelyhood, we are going to be moving late summer or early fall.

Stayed up till 3 am, valiantly hoping to finish a massive photoshop project for my office for today's presentation. Working tirelessly, by 3 am I figured out I need another 20 hrs to complete the beast of a rendering. I am glad that I attempted and didn't promise this rendering to anyone. Still it has to get done.

On the brighter side, I have worked enough so that I don't have to take vacation on Monday to go to all my appointments.

Well at the encouragement of a lot of people I went to the doctor to tell him about my pain. He then sat down and read through all the paper work the PA did and said " o you have ileitis." To that I went what the hell is that. Did you follow up with the GI specialist... to that I said no because I wasn't aware that I had to.

Then he asked me if through all this if anyone took the time to give me a CT scan. I said no.

At this point the pain is buring and undulating from front to back and up and down near where my kidneys are. So he sent me to the hospital to go and make sure that it wasn't my appendix.

Was in the hospital from 3pm -8:30pm. Apparently when you take a CT scan you have to drink a lot of white "prep" liquids (contrast) so that you organs will like up. That took 2 hrs. I also had my blood drawn ... yaay.

So the x-ray tech. was a "cool" guy. Had a very fun attitude about his job but really really sucked at putting an IV in. They use a really large gauge needle to pump more contrast stuff in before the scan. So he is digging it around in the one arm and then attempts in the other arm.

After all that he says well you can wait the 40 mins for the x-ray doctor to look at the scans or you can go home and you might have to come back and be readmitted if anything is wrong. It was already 8 pm so another 40 mins wasn't gonig to kill me.

When the x-ray tech. returned to give me the results. he first asks me if I have a cough. I say no. To this he says," okay good because we saw something in your lungs but I forgot what the doctor called it and you appendix is clear we are calling you doctor and then you can go home." And he was gone. WTF why would he tell me I have something in my lungs and not give me any further information about it. I just hope that its just scared tissue when I had bronchitis ( i was coughing for over a month and half) and no one believed me ... attributing it to the cold weather and or allergies. Fucking hate doctors, but I am not about to stop going to see them because thats just hurts me in the long run.

The long and the short it. I had to do an interenet search on ileitus. Which is when the lieum, the very end of you small intestine really doesn't work. Unforturnately this is where you get a lot of major vitamins. So all the exhaustion and the super low B12 is from a defective part. Its an inflammatory condition and is related to Crohn's disease (yaay) in the sense that is really rare and only effects that part. For the last 3 months I really really should've been seeing a GI specialist because that part can stop working completely, they could've given me some anti-inflammatory meds so I wouldn't end up in the 10 days of hell that was the first part of April and they could make sure that if it does stop working that it doesn't rupture or start rotting. Yaay all really really important things. The PA really failed to tell me and made me feel that I would be okay for 3 months without any issue.

So really on my own because I want to loose weight I have removed a lot of food from my diet. Especially anything with bleached white flour because that makes me feel like crap and sends me into a 2 day stomach ache. So just all wheat, super fiber, high protein diet. I also figured out that I just need to take over the counter B12. I lost a lot of weight during the effective period of the B12 shot they gave me in December. I am figuring that my body is just really out of whack with the vitamins and is just holding on to everything. So now I am taking a one-a-day, omega-3 and just started a B12 tablet. I really don't like pills, but what am I going to do.

I have to go back to the doctor on the 20th. My marathon day of seeing the primary care, dentist, peridontist, and all the other errands that have to be run on a weekday because they don't have weekend hours. I hope I don't have to go through a lot of crazy ness. If my peridontists tells me to see a shrink again then I am going to hit him, because I don't have the time, money and the approval of my insurance to see one right now. MVP insurance must love me and all the crazy tests I have had since Decemeber.

Note: If someone can explain how to make live journal cuts, that would be great.

I don't mind babysitting at all. I just hate how people (my Titi (aunt)) and pretty much a lot of my family feels the need to like try to trick me into things or "do by the way" kind of things when they ask me for stuff. If they had spent time to fucking pay attention for last ... I don't know.... ten years. They would know that being straight forward with me will win you more points then beating around the bush and will more likely get me to do something, even if Ii detest the task.

So first off my Titi gives me a call. I haven't talked to her since, maybe, January or December because she pissed me off. (side story to continue at end). So she didn't call me to invite me to Melody's annual ridiculous birthday party but calls me in the middle of the day at work. I think it's an emergency. I pick it up and no how you doing and what not just pretty much immediately asks me to babysitt for Friday night.

I say yeah sure. Here I am thinking it's Friday night, meaning a couple of hours. So then she starts rushing me off the phone and slips in that she is going to leave Melody overnight and bringing the baby (she's 7 but to me she will always be the baby) to my house. And says I'll call you later. I am left on the phone with a WTF feeling, but i waiting all evening for her call.

This was Tuesday.

Come Thursday she finally calls us to give me some details about this babysitting thing, while I am in a business meeting. She leaves a huffy voicemail. I call her back pretty much immediately after.

She then tells me that bringing Melody to my house will be doing me a favor.

This is the biggest line of horseshit. Listen if you want me to watch your kid just ask me. Hey me and hubby have this big evening planned out and think it would be really great if we can ditch the kid for a whole evening and morning so that we can have quality time. Do you mind babysitting for an overnight and all morning? I would have said sure. But that's not how it went down and I feel weird because there was no reason to try to hustle me.

Also my house is soooo not child proof. It's almost drunk adult proof but not childproof. I also don't have a really reasonable place to have Melody sleep. Sure I have a couple of air mattresses but they are a challenge for an adult to get in and out of. Let alone a small child that may need to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Also I have an appointment and a class I need to get to at my gym in the morning at 7:45am.

My Aunt has been to my house more then any other relative I have and knows about the sleeping situation. I then informed her that yeah you are oging to be picking up Melody at 10 am but I have a classes and an appointment to get to at the gym at 7:45am. Melody will be with Adam for about an hour. I  will be home again at 9 am before you pick her up.

I don't think my Aunt liked hearing that at all. Like Adam is going to eat the baby while I am gone. Adam has way more child training then I do. He even went to school for a while for early childhood development and Melody has a little girl crush on him.
Seriously the kid asks about him more then me. So I feel they should be fine.

Anyway if you didn't like it then you should've not tried to hustle me and called about confirming earlier in the week like you said you would do.

Just feel upset because one they tried to hustle me. Two there has been no mention of payment in anyway. Three the express distrust about Adam , irkes me the most.



Side Story:

Last time I talked to my Titi, she had asked me when we planned on having the wedding. I told her that it would be in April 2010. To this she groans and then lists out the weekends she is available in April 2010 (which wasn't much) and that she would be on vacation at her timeshare the rest of the time.

All I could think was "who the fuck do you think you are." I really shouldn't be surprised by now because my Mom's side of the family has this sort of attitude. Where everything revolves around them and their needs are first and foremost. I didn't say anything to her about how jackass her comments and assumptions were.

Pretty much she was telling me that i will lose the grace of her prescence at my wedding if i don't  schedule accordingly because she will be on vacation otherwise. These plans can not be changed at all given the 16 month notice.

Whatever. If she doesn't go my grandma and her brothers may not go. Nor would my grandpa's siblings come. All of which are people I actually know, love and grew up with.

Fucking jerk.

Today I reconnected with a girl that was a year behind me in school.

I am really glad because I always felt that I wasn't allowed to talk to her because a former friend of mine became super possessive of her. 
It was a long story involving the girl, Marissa's breakup with her boyfriend Eric. So my only friend took Marissa and I took Eric. Eric by the way took the break up so bad and made him so stressed out that it activated a case of shingles.

I have never had shingles but all I know that it's super painful.

Just when all the healing was done and over with there was a wall that was built that I really wasn't allowed to get into. So I let it go. Now we are all out of college and she got bored or her friendship was no long convenient with Marissa/ so like she did to me she did with Marissa and Michelle for that matter.

The only freat thing our of that odd relationship was that I was introduced to some great people like Michelle, Marissa, Eric, Kingsley,  and a whole long list of people.

Now that the place is selected. Everything is coming together. We found our DJ and photographer and that last thing until August that we need to schedule is the Officiant.

Deposits are really expensive and because the economy is so crappy a lot of people are asking for a lot up front. I am just glad we had started scraping our pennies together and were able to get the ppl we wanted to participate in the wedding.

Its official we ahve the Carousel Ballroom for the whole week of April 17th. What they do their is that they only hold one wedding a week so we can come in through the week and set things up.

I think we made out like bandits.

Also a coworker brougth up some good points that we can go and get pictures taken at my school. This has a very classic architecture so I can get architecture and nature shots.  The down side is that now we really do have to get a limo together for te bridal party.

I have to look into getting a party bus for the hotel. I think if i can get the new holiday inn express o cut me a deal that I maybe able to setup a shuttle from there to the wedding. That would be really cool.

The saga continues.

We have been so back and forth for the last 2 weeks over places that Adam and I got into this big fight that required apology flowers afterwards. In the entire course of a relationship, its the first time that I have received flowers because there was a need to apologize.

So tired of looking over and over again at numbers. But I think Adam's favorite place, the Carousel Ballrooms, won. We got the guy to come down in price and I believe it includes taxes. So its wins.

I say that like its a dump but it isn't. I was shopping more with my eyes and the want to impress my family.

The upside is that we were able to get the price lowered and got the 5 hours of premium open bar included into that.

So we are are going to see the finally paperwork soon.  It looks like are are going to have it April 17th.

I have also set up our website http://adamandgiselle.ourweddingday.com/ . There isn't much on there right now but I am working on it.

Yaay we picked a site.

We visited the Riverstone Manor and Mallozzi's today and went with Mallozzi's.

The italians were just giving us to good a deal. We are still going to have lunch and eat cake at the other locations but its already a done deal.

Mallozzi's came about a 1000 under all the other places even with the worse case scenario budgeting with all the extras. 

So yeah bitches when you come, drink up because its on till the break of dawn.

On another note I recently got updated on my sister's wedding. I am so glad that she is going first. She has like 140 people coming and is going to have to server hamburgers and hotdogs buffet style at her reception. I feel so bad for her because she is going to regret not waiting and giving herself time to save up.

I have decided not to share any details to my sister, othe then the date, because she would either take it as bragging or get depressed/jealous and be mean to me. It will just protect myself from a fight that doesn't have to happen if I just keep quiet.

Anyway ... So excited.

Adam is really set on the Carousel Ballroom, even thought i don't think it has the right price or the right space for what I want. I told him that  I really want a nice setting, if not to get married in, at least to take pictures in. He is just so sold because the head chef/director is friends with a man that he idolizes. I think he believes that if we hold the wedding here that his idol will show up to the wedding. 

I think that is a dumb reason to want to be there. He tires to mask  this fact because we can get filet mignon for 30 dollars a plate but he forgets to consider all the other cost which brings everything up to almost 90 dollars a head. I told him that we still get a more at a better price because we get a more liquor and can have a filet mignon for 74 a head. Probably close to 80 with taxes.

I don't know. He doesn't care if there is a hotel or a place to take pictures. This is fine, but I care. Even without my wants in the picture, the place he wants to be in is still not the best place at all.

This whole wedding stuff is going okay for me. I think its because I told my parents they weren't invited to the wedding. Instead of trying to convince my otherwise, they have decided to give me a few months of silence, which will probably end in June when I go down to Maryland to Victor's graduation from Arundel High.

So we are looking at places in really no order

The first place is the Carousel Ballroom in Sterup square.

Pros:
Nice Space
Head chef is a friend and the director of the place

Cons
Up level pricing
No real place to take a picture
Guests Have a lot of moving around to do in cramped space



Second One is the italian family owned Mallozzi's Banquet hall

Pros:
Lower end of the pricing with a lot of upgrade
Wedding space is outdoors with good places to take pictures
Very nice and affordable hotel that they own across the parking lot

Cons:
We have to guarantee a number of guests to make payments on
If less guests show up. We lose the difference.
Menu is great but not as excellent as the Carousel or Riverstone.

Third Place is Riverstone Manor

Pros:
Outdoor wedding
Beautiful scenic veiws
Customized menu

Cons:
Uplevel in Pricing
To my understanding no backup to outdoor spot.


All these places are giving us 5 hours. So this weekend is when we are going to visit the Riverstone Manor for the first time and Malozzi's and Carousel a second time. Hopefully this weekend we will pick a place.

So I take my taes to Adam's Dad. Bob. He looked at my returns this year and exclaimed "Unemployment again! :P."

He was kidding but every year that Adam and I have been together I have been on unemployment for some time or another. I am never fired, just laid off.

I made that comment and I said something along the lines that I havent lost my current job yet and that its just my luck. Lori, Adam's Mother, asked me if I was planning on losing my current job. I said it doesn't look like it because they seem to be doing well and they are going to send be for extra certification. I mean they can pay to get me certified for LEED ( green building design) and lay me off and then I could take my certificate some place else. 

I highly doubt that. Thats why I mentioned getting certified and that I was willing to go through the testing. Now if I can get licenses soon then I would be a champ and be eligible to be a junior partner.  

So much to fucking do.

Yesterday finally faced down my anxiety and filed all my paper work and I put together my wedding binder. As I sat down to begin printing out all the things I liked and wanted to asemble, I noticed there was no printer paper anywhere in the house.

Thats okay I got some today and the little trapper keeper hole puncher and I am ready.

Also 5 weeks into my get skinny for Summer 2009 diet and I am 12 lbs down and 3 inches off my waste.... I am still incredibly fat but working on it.

i took up a second job at Lane Bryant over the holidays and everything was cool until .... bah bah bah... the end of the season.

So they have this funky on-call system, where they don't give you hours but give you a time frame where you might have hours to work. So what you do is that you have to call 2 hours before this time frame starts to fine out if you may or may not be working. That's kind of Bullshit.

Seriously, they aren't going to give you time but they are going to fuck up you planning your weekend. Honestly they would have to pay me more then minimum to put up with that crap. I'd rather work as a cashier in a grocery store. The hours would be way more flexible and the pay actually better.

Whatever. The floors are all super hard tile, so no matter what you wear because you are supposed to cover the store you knees are going to cry by the end of the 4-6 hr shifts.

That and one of the girls as a serious case of the ass for me. So like were everyone else is allowed to roam around and fuck off. I  get yelled at for being to far back in my section. Well I am still in my fucking section. Then they ask me if all the underwear is folder and yes they always are.

Here is a clue if you have a underwear table right by the front fucking door that are always uncensored and people can just walk by super quick and steal a pair. Then guess what ... move the fucking table and put mannequins there or something. And orient racks so they don't block lines of sight in the store.

Fuck I guess the intense need to steal shit when I was little has made me fiercely aware of security holes when I walk into stores.

Fuck that job. I need to get a hold of a manager so I can quit it. I mean it takes up all my weekends and I got a wedding I need to start doing shit for on ... guess  what... the fucking weekends.

This is bullshit!!!

Do you know about those 25 things people don't know about you columns that are being posted on facebook. Just thinking about making a list sent me on a 3 day bout of depression because everyone knows pretty much everything about me except the really really dark stuff, which I will post here because I can control the desimination and I just need to get it out because my therapist doesn't take the health insurance I have. 
 
I really am surprised that I am still alive today. As a kid I never dreamnt of getting married or have a life of my own. I spent a lot of my time trying to escape the reality I was in. Though I never tried drugs or abused alcohol. I took things to things to the next level and comtemplated suicide and later self mutilation to escape the pain. When I was 4 or 5 and we lived in Japan I know my dad tried to molest me. I kept thinking for years that it was just some fucked up dream but the detail about everything was just too vivid and clear. In short it was just me and him in the master bedroom and he asked me to suck his balls, to which i ran screaming "No" out of the room and hid in my bedroom closet.  A fee days later I figured out that I can slide myself between the mattress and sleep safety bar on the top of my bunk bed. Thats how I broke Teddy Ruxpins neck and he never read a story to me ever again.  The only thing that saved me was that the bar wasn't attached to the bed and the panic of suffocation caused it to come loose and  I dropped to my down and belly flopped the floor. Thats when Mom came in to check on me. 

The next attempt was when I was eight and we lived in Puerto Rico. We just got Jed, my dog, and I don't remember the reason why I was crying but at the time my parents would fight non-stop and my sister figured out that she bruises easily. So Natalie would make marks on herself and then tell Mom and Dad that I did that to her which resulted in a beating. Around this time I had also suffered a mild seizure ( I found out thats what happened just last year) because at the time I had severe color shifts in vision. Meaning at random times things would just shift to purple. I could smell nothing hot fresh asphalt and I really really thought there was monsters/aliens in the blue tiled bathroom.  I would hold for the other bathroom just so that they couldn't get me.  I don't know which one of these things was it that made me upset but I couldn't take it. I sat down in the corner of the spare bedroom with one of the good steak knives and sat there crying and thinking about what I was going to do. The thing that saved me was that stupid dog. He walked in and just sat infront of me with his cute little puppy face and gave me a kiss. Then I thought about  leaving my sister and Jed with these crazy people and decided not to go through with anything. I then carved my name into the spare bedroom closet and left it at that.
 
Sidenote: Until recently I thought I was the only one that  thought like this until least year. When Natalie reminded me about Victor open would suggest strangling himself with the ropes to the blinds in his bedroom. I remember tying and cutting them so that he wouldn't be able to. Also Natalie's thought about drinking a whole bottle of medicine and drowning herself in the the tub. I guess I don't feel so weird know that my siblings also thought seriously about commiting suicide, but sad that we all thought about it before even hitting puberty. I am also glad that the reason none of us went through with it was because no one wanted to leave anyone else behind to deal with our parents and the backlash of the death. I shudder to think that if it got bad enough we could've conspired to do it all together. I think somehow my Mom knows this and never really liked us being all together by ourselves for too long. Even as adults she seems super paranoid about us being in a room together without her supervision.

We moved to the USA and my mom started working. My father was supposed to be taking care of us but he decided that video games when a better use of his time. This is when I started taking control of caring for Victore and Natalie. I was going through Middle school, which blew. My dad would get upset at me and hit me in the head or call me names when things weren't done in the house before my mom came home. This is depsite the fact he was home for 3 hours before I got home. He would also threaten me if I told on him to Mom that he spent all his time playing computer games. My mom didn't make things better. When she came home she would yell at me for not having my homework done before 6pm. Keep in mind that I got home at 2:30 and had to clean the house, make sure Victor and Natalie were okay, cook dinner, feed and walk Jed, and get my homework done. This situation got so hard that I just shutdown for a 1 and a half. I didn't talk to anyone all day and came home and did what I was told.

This came to a pinnacle during the 8th grade where my Mom got tired at looking at how fat I was and put me on a diet for a year. She told me that if I wanted anything in life I had to be thin and pretty. To this she told me that if I lost enough wieght that she would get me contact lenses. All that work and I went stag to the 8th grade prom. My mom was very very disappointed and loathed the fact she had to help me with my hair that day. Despite all this I did have a secret admire that would leave me gifts on the doorstep. I later found out right before he laft and that he left me a letter with my last gift that it was Naison Barton. He was my first kiss. I kissed him good bye on the day he moved away. My father later found the letter that Naison wrote me  and recited out loud in front of the whole family. Luckly my abuelita was there to yell at the audacity that he just commited.

At home everything was the same. I got into a super advance program in my first high school . The only issue was that it doubled and sometimes tripled my school load. I began to sleep alot. I would come to school and made a deal with my 1st period teacher to come in early and he let me sleep on my desk. I would rarely eat lunch in the cafeteria. I had lunch by myself in the garden behind the lunch trailer. Later Paul who was the love of my life at that point.  I told no one at home about him. My mom got suspisious when he would call for homework. Really he just called the house at a reasonable time for assignments. My mom then lectured me on how I shouldn't be such a slut and giving the house number to boys.

When my father left for 6 months for Rota, Spain when I was in the 10th grade, it was the best 6 months ever. My Mom became a nice person and finally saw how much work I did around the hosue because she would be actually trying to help me. I didn't want my Dad to come back and I didn't miss him in the slightest. I ws more stressed out about him coming home then anything.

I loathed my dad for a long time. He was the one that told me when i was seven that I was unplanned and no on wanted me to be born. Specifically my Abueltio and Abuelita, who at that age were my life line of love. When I got older he would tell me about all the marital problems between him and my mom. He swore up and down that he was going to divorce my Mom when my brother graduated High School. (Victor graduates this year)

We moved to Maryland. I was sad to leave Paul. The upside was to moving was that because of my advance courses, I could have graduated a year earlier. I decided not to do that because it would mean leaving Natalie and Victor a year earlier and graduating with no friends going to the prom with no friends. I just didn't think that I was just stable enough to be on my own.

Now that I look back. Staying that extra year was the best choice I had ever made. It marked the beginning of me choosing my own destiny. From that point I really didn't care if my parents support me in anything. If left to them I would have graduated a year early or opted out of taking any advanced course for the time I was there and not doing my artwork. Only when my Mom found out that I needed a portfolio to get into architecture school did she not only pay attention but began to harass and smother me about because I wasn't painting or drawing the right things.

When I left for college my Mom proceeded to make my first year a living hell. I got straight A's for both terms, but because I got sick with mono from working myself so hard, none of the work counted. This happend every semester. I was being threatened of being pulled out of school and called worthless. I would be excellent grades home but it was never enought. I seriously thought about sliting my wrists with the school issued exacto knife. After the first year I spent very little time by myself becasue of the incredible depression I was going through that if left alone I was very very capable of ending it. Around my 3rd year I started ripping the skin of the bottom of my feet. In combination with eating by my 4th year I had gained 30 lbs and couldn't walk without pain because there was no flesh on my feet.

You know depsite all of this crap. I was voted the most chipper person in my class. Thats why I fully believe I have a sociopathic personality because I became really really good at masking my unhappiness. I worked so hard to be nromal and the only way I could keep myself together was to just be two different people. One at school and one at home. I would go on dates and try to be normal but because it was all fake and I tried changing myself to make the other person happy.

I meet Adam and I didn't have to change and he liked my oddities. He helped me to stop from removing the skin on the bottom of my feet. I feel good about myself. He loves me regardless of my size.

I wish my parents would give him a chance. I have made a lot of good descisions in my life why not trust me on this one. Starting with not going to college early, taking advanced courses, doing art, and even going to architecture school. Its all worked out why not this.


Well we are engaged now so they better get over it.

It has been so long since I posted I may have to do another series. We will see how I feel after the gym. Also I have determined that I need to start writing my feelings down more again because keeping things pent up has been making me stay up at night and waking me up at 3:30 am on a regular basis.

We got caught up and since i have a new job I finally told someone that i had lost the old one. She told me that she no longer works as a vet tech. but for this insecticide company. So she raises bugs to be tested on.

Well i finally talked to my sister. Found out that my parents did something really awful and told her that a wedding is like a funeral. Its more for the family then the person. Her response was that it was like a Birthday and its all about the person of honor.

This argument came up when my sister made it official that Clifford would be her escort of honor, since he has been doing much of the maid of honor work with Natalie.  Now the story of Cliff is that Natalie and he have been friends since way before he came out. Since we are military brats we really have no childhood friends. Since she has known Clifford for close to 10 years now, that is as close to a childhood friend as you are going to get. Also being raised in the military, you really become a person that is rather easy gong and just accepting of "Whatever floats your boat as long you don't push it one me" kind of attitude. I think my parents forget what kind of people they raised.

By the way my sister never wanted me as a maid of honor, she would have loved to but I live too far away, which goes with my reasoning, but my family is almost insistent on this fact. She was just happy that I agreed with her.

Anyhow the big issue with Clifford is that he is gay. He isn't flaming or anything like that. He just prefers men. Well my parents started arguing with Natalie that she should have a traditional wedding and that Clifford wasn't traditional. Since they are footing the bill for the wedding then thats the way it has to be. So my sister nicely told them to go fly a kite and is going to pay for her own wedding. So the date got pushed back to August/ September. 

After hearing this news I told Natalie congratulations you have just crossed over to my side of the fence. Also she just realized by moving out of Maryland and away from my parents that she stopped biting her nails and her hair has started to grow in fuller.

I told her good for her, because my parents have a really bad habit of fucking with your finances and you can make compromises and they will back out or forget their end of bargains.

I also told her that if she invites them be prepared for Mom and Dad to act badly at the wedding. They have this awful compulsion from the Morales side to the family. My Mom got it from her mother and my Dad just started behaving liked that out of being with my Mom too long. This is when you are very nice to them and all they have to say and do is act like assholes.

I don't know what my parents grand plan is but if it involves alienating all their children from them then they are 2 down and one to go in that department.

The first week of this month Adam and I went to basically live in a medieval village for a week. The event is called Pennsic and ran by the SCA.
They have a good number of events, contests, and classes. Took a lot of courses by my favorite on was the pewter caster. so now i know how to make pewter things.

So while camping for a week, I got a bunch of calls for interviews.

So i interviewed at SRG (Stracher Roth Glimore Architects) its in Schenectady but thats a simple bus line. They seemed really cool and like to keep people on for a long time to the point that there is a process of promotion and take over for younger persons.

Then I interviewed at Studio Seven Architects and that was a business that was just starting out. There were no benefits and it was just really super shady.

There there is Dodge Chamberling Weber and Luzine. This firm has basically been jerking me around for the last 2 weeks with interview times. Right now I know I am going in sometime this upcoming Monday, but no one has called me to give me a solid time.

So today SRG called me back and made an offer. I took it because they have a program that they do with the state so that they don't have to lay people off. I am tired of losing my job. They are also going to send me to get LEED certified and pay for the course work. There is also a hope that the seniors can retire and pass on the firm to the younger people.

I just got an announcement for state work for architecture drafter that starts at about 42 grand. I am going to pay the registration fee for that.